What are you bringing to the table?

By Ted Crawford/OURNEWS 

Original print date: January 2008 Updated December 29, 2021

There are those who lay their relationship misery entirely on their partner’s ill behavior. Tolerating it, however, is just as unhealthy as dishing it out. Excluding shotgun weddings, we freely pick our mates. In adult relationships, there is no sole wearer of horns or halos. We can, and do, contribute to the set-up of our own relationship (un) happiness.

Healthy relationships consist of individuals who are balanced in the “needing” and “giving” departments. The closer Mark gets to someone, the less he is able to contain his insecurity and controlling nature. He is not a bad guy; it is just that his upbringing didn’t foster an ability to contribute to a healthy relationship, nor did Nikki’s. Clinging to her codependent idea the “loving him enough” will change him. Nikki over-tolerates his behavior, slipping deeper into depression. No so glamorous, is it? This scenario also occurs with the roles switched gender-wise (male as “rescuer” and female being “tied to the RR tracks” emotionally). Also, it is just one example of the main point.

It is a big pill to swallow, but it is not “who you are with” as much as “who you are.” The latter largely determines the former. But it also means that we have the potential to control how sweet our relationships can be! Focusing on the resolution of our own issues makes this happen. That pill might just be worth swallowing!

Ted Crawford is a clinical therapist for Pine Grove Recovery Center’s Employee Assistance Program, Hattiesburg, MS.